Welp, we’re back. Just as Ghostbusters received a truly excellent sequel it is time for the internet’s favorite group of douche-wrangling vigilantes to return. We’ve been all over the world these last few months, busting trolls from Egypt to Libya and for the last week or so helping local authorities to dispose of unmentionables in the state of Wisconsin.
The global troll situation has been dire of late, and our absence has been both unexplained and necessary, so please enjoy this explanation of our travels.
While resting at our office in Arizona following an unsuccessful raid on a troll hideout in a Ruckersville, VA I received an urgent email from the head of an Egyptian rebel movement Mohammed Ali Jazéra. The email was one of foreboding concerning the Egyptian despot Hosni Mubarak. Naturally the email should not be leaked on this site, but action was of course demanded by the ITB moral code; and so teamed with my loyal wheelman Serge and my analytics expert Dr. Eric Pickles we set off to dethrone a dictator so vile he almost rivalled C.C. with his antics.
Naturally the story was publicised globally there were riots, protests, even a small troll-brigade rally: The country of Egypt was in a terrible state until we, the ITB, stepped in to alleviate the situation. The country was freed within a matter of hours of us stepping from the plane into capital Cairo, however not before Mubarak could flee the capital- transferring much of his funds into an offshore account held in Molvania- the only country currently out of reach by our organization. It was the planning of Pickles and the expert actions taken by Serge which truly saved the day, so to them I say: Thank you for saving my arse.
Mubarak fleed to Libya to rouse interest in the only military force in the world funded and controlled by trolls, and so we pursued. The country was, by the time we arrived (only able to travel in Daniel’s campervan through the Sahara) in turmoil. There was shelling and destruction widespread through the country’s cities and town. Joined by the brave Libyan chapter of Trollbusters we rebelled against head troll (and possible relative of C.C.) Godafi, however upon heeding the cry of help from home we were forced to leave before the job could be fully done.
The ITB pledges alliegance to the Libyan people and cannot wait until Libya is transformed from the hive of trolling it now is into the netpoliced utopia that we, the Trollbuster, so fervently worked to create.
Our next stop was Wisconsin- we had heard that C.C. himself would be there in an attempt to dethrone the liberal government and pass laws to restrict the rights of the prolateriot. Naturally this enraged Serge, who is a notorious communist, and with the promise of capturing C.C. I was only too happy to accompany him in a quest to re-establish law and order within the city.
It wasnt until we arrived that we realised the full extent of the Real-Life trolling carried out by the Republican party. We received, along with the ITB’s liberal Democratic allies the following phone call:
Male Voice: “Hey uh, lol, is this the us, Democrats?”
Female Democrat: “Indeed it is, to whom am I speaking?”
Male Voice: “*Snrrk* Hey uh- there’s a uh- *snrrk* p-protest going on outside! M-maybe you should Iuno, join them?”
Female Democrat: “Hm… the right to protest IS one of the founding principles of American living. You’re right! C’mon Democrats, let’s exit the chamber!”
Male Voice: “*Snrrrkchortle* Y-yeah you do that!”
Naturally the situation worsened when it turned out that the male voice was none other than the dastardly Howard Winslow, whose only goal had been to distract the Democratic members of the state’s parliament long enough to lock the vast majority of them outside with the other trolling victims so as to weigh the vote in their favour.
We at the ITB were none too happy to witness the underhanded actions of a prior catch (recently released from incarceration on parole) and burst into the chamber, weapons drawn and prepared for a fight.
Nothing could prepare us for what came next.
Anyway, when we have resolved the situation I shall post the outcome here, as per always, on the Official Internet Troll Busters Weblog!
Thank you, and it is a pleasure to be back,
Daniel Hyde.
Trolls have existed in popular culture for years- as a mythical beast, as a toy and indeed as a despicable breed of sub-human capable only of bringing fear. J.R.R. Tolkien described trolls as “very large (perhaps as large as Ents), strong, ugly, and stupid. They had thick skin and black blood, and most trolls (except Olog-hai) turned to stone when exposed to sunlight.” Pratchett’s trolls are vast, noble and wise creatures hewn from rock and diamond.
Viruses, BBS Trolls, the ‘Usenet Wars’; trollkind rose and rose- warring between themselves in brutal and often heinous battles. An obvious heirachy emerged as member after member was removed from the runnings- often their ‘inner circle’ were murdered in their beds by the troll’s various bank-rollers. The eventual victor was the elusive C.C.- a man whose acts have been so merciless and vindictive (for example the P1c.kl3 virus caused a recession which led to the suicide of 1% of bankers in Australia).
Even we, the brave and noble ITB are forced to utilise this ‘Trolls’ Internet’. Are we, in some small way contributing to C.C.’s vast and increasingly immoral empire?
There are many things that can cause us to do things we later regret, or that we feel nothing but shame for. There are many ways that trolls can force us to do these things- be it by selling you a secretly-male sexual accompaniment doll to challenge and question your sexuality or by driving you to destroy personal belongings for his twisted voyeuristic enjoyment, trolls can make us feel shame.
Tobias, pushed by her son’s constant trolling and her husband’s absence (due to the current ITB event, a project furtively named “Catch that bastard Tito”) was enraged, and like a true addict decided to remove the thing interfering with her addiction.
Superstar boxer Muhammad Ali wasn’t always such a credible character- a troublesome childhood and controversial religion switch caused the sportsman (originally born Cassius Clay) a spate of terrible publicity until his monumental victory at Rumble In The Jungle.
As consumer capitalism outstrips the religious ideology of Christmas the case against this supposedly mythical figure being the world’s greatest troll grows and grows. Could it be that C.C. is an alias referring to this toy-distribution magnate? His supernatural powers allowing him not only to travel at faster-than-light speeds to distribute his slave-produced goods, but also to simultaneously troll multiple victims at once?
John Draper, AKA Captain Crunch was one of the original ‘hackers’- his initial technological breakthrough also became his namesake: Utilising a ‘Captain Crunch’ novelty cereal whistle to ‘hack’ public payphones to make free phonecalls.
Project Celibacy is by far the most ingenious of all troll ploys, and (of course) finds its basis in the trolls’ internal envy of any and all superior beings on the face of the Earth. Many trolls’ virginities have been compromised in pre-marital or homosexual acts, and (as any adult who has submitted to the joys of post-marital sex will know) this, of course has stripped them of any humanity they had.
The art of war. One of history’s greatest works of literature. I’m not going to pretend to be a grand wordsmith, like its mighty author, and I’m not going to claim to know the value of chariots in a skirmish involving twin-peaked hillocks. There is one thing that I understand though, better than any man on the face of our dear Earth:
It is common knowledge that Trolls will try to deceive you as they deceive their women into believing that they are righteous, or not out to get you. Often these people will tell you to remove yourself from the internet- which I have already explained is admitting defeat to the trolls.
The plight of Bernice “DaxFlame” Jauch III was one which went down in history as one of the greatest successes in TrollBusting history, and it has forged the finest friendship since Lewis and Clark- one which still yields occasional birthday and Christmas cards.
The success of victims of trolling, professionally and socially is generally a juxtaposition of the highest level. Seen on the left is the dichotomy of success seen generally in a regular level 4 victim.
The real target of any troll is the love in the victim’s life. Often loveless themselves, trolls ‘feed’ on the romantic failures of their victims, and as trolling continues along its innevetable decline into level-1 real-world intervention (often including crimes directly against the victim/their family). The only thing that a victim can do to reverse this curve is to show the trolls what for- to re-embark on past professional endeavours, or re-open lines of communication with the outside world, via blogging or video-blogging.
The Troll Busters' Official Weblog 
