Our Vacation in Africa

Posted: March 10, 2011 in Editorials

Thumbs up!Welp, we’re back. Just as Ghostbusters received a truly excellent sequel it is time for the internet’s favorite group of douche-wrangling vigilantes to return. We’ve been all over the world these last few months, busting trolls from Egypt to Libya and for the last week or so helping local authorities to dispose of unmentionables in the state of Wisconsin.

The global troll situation has been dire of late, and our absence has been both unexplained and necessary, so please enjoy this explanation of our travels.

While resting at our office in Arizona following an unsuccessful raid on a troll hideout in a Ruckersville, VA I received an urgent email from the head of an Egyptian rebel movement Mohammed Ali Jazéra. The email was one of foreboding concerning the Egyptian despot Hosni Mubarak. Naturally the email should not be leaked on this site, but action was of course demanded by the ITB moral code; and so teamed with my loyal wheelman Serge and my analytics expert Dr. Eric Pickles we set off to dethrone a dictator so vile he almost rivalled C.C. with his antics.

Naturally the story was publicised globally there were riots, protests, even a small troll-brigade rally: The country of Egypt was in a terrible state until we, the ITB, stepped in to alleviate the situation. The country was freed within a matter of hours of us stepping from the plane into capital Cairo, however not before Mubarak could flee the capital- transferring much of his funds into an offshore account held in Molvania- the only country currently out of reach by our organization. It was the planning of Pickles and the expert actions taken by Serge which truly saved the day, so to them I say: Thank you for saving my arse.

Mubarak fleed to Libya to rouse interest in the only military force in the world funded and controlled by trolls, and so we pursued. The country was, by the time we arrived (only able to travel in Daniel’s campervan through the Sahara) in turmoil. There was shelling and destruction widespread through the country’s cities and town. Joined by the brave Libyan chapter of Trollbusters we rebelled against head troll (and possible relative of C.C.) Godafi, however upon heeding the cry of help from home we were forced to leave before the job could be fully done.

The ITB pledges alliegance to the Libyan people and cannot wait until Libya is transformed from the hive of trolling it now is into the netpoliced utopia that we, the Trollbuster, so fervently worked to create.

Our next stop was Wisconsin- we had heard that C.C. himself would be there in an attempt to dethrone the liberal government and pass laws to restrict the rights of the prolateriot. Naturally this enraged Serge, who is a notorious communist, and with the promise of capturing C.C. I was only too happy to accompany him in a quest to re-establish law and order within the city.

It wasnt until we arrived that we realised the full extent of the Real-Life trolling carried out by the Republican party. We received, along with the ITB’s liberal Democratic allies the following phone call:

Male Voice: “Hey uh, lol, is this the us, Democrats?”

Female Democrat: “Indeed it is, to whom am I speaking?”

Male Voice: “*Snrrk* Hey uh- there’s a uh- *snrrk* p-protest going on outside! M-maybe you should Iuno, join them?”

Female Democrat: “Hm… the right to protest IS one of the founding principles of American living. You’re right! C’mon Democrats, let’s exit the chamber!”

Male Voice: “*Snrrrkchortle* Y-yeah you do that!”

Naturally the situation worsened when it turned out that the male voice was none other than the dastardly Howard Winslow, whose only goal had been to distract the Democratic members of the state’s parliament long enough to lock the vast majority of them outside with the other trolling victims so as to weigh the vote in their favour.

We at the ITB were none too happy to witness the underhanded actions of a prior catch (recently released from incarceration on parole) and burst into the chamber, weapons drawn and prepared for a fight.

Nothing could prepare us for what came next.

Anyway, when we have resolved the situation I shall post the outcome here, as per always, on the Official Internet Troll Busters Weblog!

Thank you, and it is a pleasure to be back,

Daniel Hyde.

Origin of the Troll

Posted: November 15, 2010 in Editorials

Trolls have existed in popular culture for years- as a mythical beast, as a toy and indeed as a despicable breed of sub-human capable only of bringing fear. J.R.R. Tolkien described trolls as “very large (perhaps as large as Ents), strong, ugly, and stupid. They had thick skin and black blood, and most trolls (except Olog-hai) turned to stone when exposed to sunlight.” Pratchett’s trolls are vast, noble and wise creatures hewn from rock and diamond.

Today’s trolls are in no way so glamorous.

The origin of the troll occured in concurrence with the emergence of the World Wide Web. The “WWW” system emerged as the brain-child of a British scientist operating out of CERN. While this was not the initial birth of the internet it was the beginning of an era: The information age was upon us. The world was suddenly so much smaller than it had ever been- emails began to fly, websites started popping up and in the republic of Molvania a group of company men began identifying individuals to hate.

It was this hatred which began to taint the internet- striking at the points at which it was weakest: In the pockets of talent and hope which could have saved us all from torment. These early attacks were experimental, and incredibly scientific in their approach.

Much in the same way that the CIA test the effects of new biological weapons on the third world which has led to the AIDS epidemic in Africa, and the incredible presence of Hepatitis C in ex-Soviet Europe, CERN tested the effects of a new social archetype on the most innocuous social medium available at the time: The Internet. Perhaps their intentions were noble, perhaps they were actually attempting to discover a cure for social malpractise. Either way, through some sick, twisted mutation of this initial social experiment a new pastime began to spread like a plague- trolling was born, and her children would haunt the information age for over a decade.

Viruses, BBS Trolls, the ‘Usenet Wars’; trollkind rose and rose- warring between themselves in brutal and often heinous battles. An obvious heirachy emerged as member after member was removed from the runnings- often their ‘inner circle’ were murdered in their beds by the troll’s various bank-rollers. The eventual victor was the elusive C.C.- a man whose acts have been so merciless and vindictive (for example the P1c.kl3 virus caused a recession which led to the suicide of 1% of bankers in Australia).

C.C. as I have previously explained is now the leader of all trolls: But who is responsible? Trolls have existed for millenia in the form of usual criminality, evil individuals (such as Hitler or Pol Pot) and bullies, but for how long have they been organised? Could it be that CERN is a troll organisation?

Recent evidence suggests that they may be- the Large Hadron Collider (an obvious corruption of Hard-on) has turned out to be a massive, pointless money pit. A billion-dollar machine which doesn’t even work- trolling the scientific community with the false hope of the Higgs’ Boson. Could it be that the LHC and the Internet are one and the same- simple trolling devices designed to cause misery and stress to the masses? If so how could we prevent this from happening? If CERN are trolls then their invention of the WWW system means that all commercial internet usage has been based upon a trolling system, and thanks to the popularity and necessity of the Internet to today’s society the true genius of the trolls is that we, as Trollbusters can no longer destroy 100% of the trolls’ empire.

Even we, the brave and noble ITB are forced to utilise this ‘Trolls’ Internet’. Are we, in some small way contributing to C.C.’s vast and increasingly immoral empire?

God help us all.

Help: Danielhyde@live.co.uk

There have been many whose lives have been touched by trolls, and it is truly tragic that we at Internet Trollbusters cannot save more of these tortured individuals. This is the story of one such individual- one whose tragedy rivals the most unsettling of trolls, yet one whose tenacity and talent shone through. I brought Ed to my home in Nevada so that he could tell you more about the trolling of his online community: http://saturnownsdreamcast.freeforums.org/.

Ed and I are on extremely friendly terms- indeed it was the help that I gave him which led not only to his level of respect as the practitioner of a SEGA institution, but also the confidence and skills to capture the heart of his lovely wife Diana. Diana is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met- and has given Ed his dream daughter, Ruby- a girl whose ambition is apparently to grow up and help in the quest to rid the world of trolls, so rock on Ruby!

 

Anyway, here’s the interview in full; the video has been altered to protect Ed’s identity; even though he’s endlessly proud of the work he and I accomplished together in Project Thunderhorse it has remained pertinent to hide Ed’s face as he wishes to maintain anonymity- a right that I must respect to the fullest.

The backstory is as he states in the video: Ed’s site was the premiere source of information on SEGA during the pre next-gen phase of gaming, and it was trolled around the time that I began my business as ITB. We leapt to his rescue and now he has everything he ever wanted: A properly franchised enterprise, respect, a woman to call his own and a (rapidly) growing family.

If you want all this stuff for yourself, don’t hesitate to e-mail with your suggestions, information or just plain request for help. Internet Trollbusters will always attempt to help those in need, and has a 99% success rate- even in cases where other solutions have failed!

We’re currently seeking some kind of official publicist or artist to accompany our products, so to all you artists out there:

Good luck and get in touch!

Danielhyde@live.co.uk

There are many things that can cause us to do things we later regret, or that we feel nothing but shame for. There are many ways that trolls can force us to do these things- be it by selling you a secretly-male sexual accompaniment doll to challenge and question your sexuality or by driving you to destroy personal belongings for his twisted voyeuristic enjoyment, trolls can make us feel shame.

Shame is no-doubt the emotion currently felt by Ms Alexandra V. Tobias, a woman in her early twenties from San José, California, who has been trolled in the worst possible way.

She was trolled into mudering her own child.

Tobias, being a young and beautiful woman was not unfamilliar with unwanted male company, however when her fiancée (a Mr. Tito Edmonson) infused her with his seed it spawned the least wanted kind of male interest: She bore a son. This son inherited many of his father’s qualities- an excellent throwing arm, fantastic eyesight, deep chocolate tones and a beauty sublimated only by excessive intelligence for a three-month-old.

Little did Alexandra know that her son would inherit Edmonson’s only bad quality- an attribute so vile that it led to her infuriation and subsequent incarceration over a little crime brought about by Troll-invented Facebook timesink “FarmVille”.

As any Trollologist will tell you, Farmville was created to divert the nation’s time away from other valuable activities- brilliant brain surgeons are now distracted, and indeed addicted, to the creation and maintenance of online crops and livestock; their brilliance shining from beneath a now cold, dead shell. Tobias was one of these people: As a young single mother she was one of the most notoriously useful demographics available to destroy, and as such the trolls looked upon her not so much as a human being, but as a target.

Tito’s son pushed her- his natural affinity for trolling making it obvious that his mother’s emotions could be pushed to the extreme by subverting her addiction and demanding attention. Little did this junior field agent know (possibly due to lack of trolling experience or training) that his constant screeching would land him in mortal peril.

Tobias, pushed by her son’s constant trolling and her husband’s absence (due to the current ITB event, a project furtively named “Catch that bastard Tito”) was enraged, and like a true addict decided to remove the thing interfering with her addiction.

In this case, it was the innocent man, her son.

It is a true tragedy that trolling has led to this, however let it be shown that the “troll gene” exists, and is indeed a hereditary risk to you, your children and indeed every person you know. We don’t have any way of knowing how many people are involved, however it is believed that the American Medical Association has come up with a test to examine for the Troll gene (also known as the X-gene).

It is also widely acknowledged that the AMA may have been infiltraded by trolls, so asking to be screened for the X-gene is often declined to maintain the anonymity of these genetic time-bombs. We implore you: If you request to be treated so as you, or someone you love doesn’t end up the way that little Dylan Lee Edmonton did on that cold Autumn night please get yourself screened for the X-gene immediately.

WE ALSO RECCOMEND RECORDING THE TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL BY HIDDEN MEANS SO AS INTERNET TROLLBUSTERS MAY UNCOVER THIS AMA PLOT TO HIDE THE EXISTENCE OF THE TROLL GENE.

God bless, Dylan Edmonton. You were truly the innocent man.

Source: Kotaku

C.C. Suspect List

Posted: October 20, 2010 in Editorials, Troll Organization

So, it’s been years since my search for C.C. began, and I remain in the dark as to who this murderous individual is in reality. The only lead I have is his nationality and initials, so naturally upon my arrival in the greatest country on Earth I began to painstakingly research and theorise as to whom could fulfill these criteria.

Thus far, while my search remains fruitless my suppositions grow in number and voracity- and so now I present to you my list of suspects as to the true identity of this international super-troll.

Suspect 1: Cassius Clay.

Superstar boxer Muhammad Ali wasn’t always such a credible character- a troublesome childhood and controversial religion switch caused the sportsman (originally born Cassius Clay) a spate of terrible publicity until his monumental victory at Rumble In The Jungle.

Could it be possible that during his training his true Molvanian nationality bled through and caused Clay to become a master troll? Or is it possible that his bodacious attitude was due to an upbringing devoted to the misery of others? Only time, or ITB investigation will tell.

2. Chris Cringle

As consumer capitalism outstrips the religious ideology of Christmas the case against this supposedly mythical figure being the world’s greatest troll grows and grows. Could it be that C.C. is an alias referring to this toy-distribution magnate? His supernatural powers allowing him not only to travel at faster-than-light speeds to distribute his slave-produced goods, but also to simultaneously troll multiple victims at once?

As his trade becomes less and less honourable, so do does this vile practitioner, and with his oppurtunity to access advanced technology (demonstrated by his distribution of such technology to the children of the world) it is only logical to assume that his evil and technology would culminate in trolling.

This may simply be a theory, but as far as I can see the only barrier between C.C. and Christopher Cringle is that apparently the latter is fictional- something my parents were gunned down before they were able to tell me.

3. Captain Crunch

John Draper, AKA Captain Crunch was one of the original ‘hackers’- his initial technological breakthrough also became his namesake: Utilising a ‘Captain Crunch’ novelty cereal whistle to ‘hack’ public payphones to make free phonecalls.

This breakthrough made Draper a national celebrity among the computer-literate, but also proved to us at ITB that he held a far darker secret- the malice and intent to use his skills to defraud and criminalise. Perhaps it was the change saved by not paying for these phone calls which generated the initial capital used to found C.C.’s empire? Perhaps his apparent technological ingenuity was the beginning of something far darker, and his known family link to troll superstar Adolf Hitler (as shown in my article here) it may be possible that Captain Crunch is the true identity of C.C.

As always any information leading to the identification or capture of C.C. will be heavily rewarded- any information should be sent to Danielhyde@live.co.uk!

Profile 11: Consuela Nerf-Bagg

Posted: October 17, 2010 in Profiles

Name: Consuela Nerf-Bagg

Age: 24

Alias: Spastic Feline

Captured on: 5/12/2010

 

Consuela Nerf-Bagg is a rare beauty among Trolls, and is the head of C.C.’s “Love-Corps”. She roams the SouthEast of the nation trawling for vulnerable females who assert their ‘sexiness and f*ckability’ for use within the female corps of the trolls. These women are generally brainwashed into believing that all men are useless, flaccid and pointless- never desireable or ‘strong’, as many trolling victims simply are, from a factual basis.

Nerf-Bagg herself is known to be an avid lover of the male genital, and is a supposed archiver of collateral to be used in C.C.’s blackmail ploys and indeed for her own personal ‘use’. Upon her capture, she was found in a room literally plastered- wallpapered, even- with pictures of trolls’ and victims’ phallic imagery. These photographs would have been confiscated and returned to their original bearers, or used to identify trolls captured in the future, however the sheer bulk of these images was such that ITB could not afford to transport them back to their head office.

Consuela Nerf-Bagg is a beautiful woman, and it is a shame that she chose this life of delinquency, however her story is a long and tragic one- one which I cannot reveal due to the intensely personal nature of our intimate deal. Perhaps some day she will join us here at ITB, but until that day she will have to rot in jail, just like the rest of her trollish brethren.

Molvania

Posted: October 9, 2010 in Troll Organization

Molvania. What can be said about this tragic little country that cannot be said simply by observing its garish flag. A monarchy, ruled by the dictatorial Princess Julianna, the harsh terrain and anarchic social practises of its residents has made Molvania a natural refuse for trolls and criminals.

Located in Eastern Europe, Molvania was among the first countries to fall  to the Soviet Union during the invasion of the communist block in the 1950s- a move praised by many who were under Tsar Blau’s monarchy, as Blau (a distant relative of the Azure Needle) was a vicious leader who valued nothing less than human life. As time ground on and the cold war progressed Molvania became a breeding ground for organized crime, smuggling, drugs- and has been theorised to be the birthplace of troll leader C.C..

It wasn’t until the late 80s that Molvania came back into the public consciousness as anything more than a blot on the usually-beautiful Eastern European landscape, when Tsar Blau (a convert to the Soviet cause) was assassinated by person or persons unknown. This assassination caused a mass uprising; the then-queen of Molvania, Emiry Blau rose to almost immediate power and through co-ordinating a joint strike between initial internet troll groups (using antiquated technology known as ‘dial-up’) and the organised crime syndicates of Molvania was able to expel the Soviets from her country once and for all.

This event was known as “Julie’s Uprising”, as it was in 1988 that Julie, princess of Molvania was born- the heiress’ story beginning tragically as her birth marked the end of her mother’s life. As one angel left this earth, another joined it- however it was not known quite how devastating this ‘fallen angel’ would be- both to Molvania and also to the freedom-loving victims of trolls worldwide. Julie was the daughter of Queen Emiry, this much is certain- however her legitimacy when it came to the throne was questionable, and there has been much speculation that Julie Blau (third cousin of Spike Blau) may actually be:

THE DAUGHTER OF C.C. HIMSELF


Since her coronation following the end of the cold war Princess Julie has been both a fair and honest leader- or so we were led to believe. The treaty signed by her mother with the original internet trolls led to a less than conventional education for the young monarch; specialising in internation espionage, seduction and computer-science. The princess became distant, and allowed her people to become degenerates, dying out and becoming replaced by foreign expatriates, enthralled by the prospect of anarchistic freedom.

Needless to say, the US was not pleased by the idea of a foreign power collecting criminal talent and keeping it stabled, unchecked but well-fed. Molvania was rapidly becoming the world’s most wretched hive of scum and villainy, and it was during the mid-90s that America decided to take an unprecidented step towards ensuring that no citizen of theirs would flee to Molvania and take up arms against America:

A complete media whitewash occured- all information concerning the past of Molvania was censored, and only occasional pieces of information were saved from this intellectual firestorm. Books, maps, the internet, TV, radio, press archives: All censored, all erased, all deadened by the USA’s need to keep us all pure and right-minded. And in the end, with Molvania removed from the public mindset we could all rest safe, without the knowledge that this terrible nation was poised to strike, at any moment; without mercy, without sanity, without reason.

Molvania is the land of the trolls, my friends- and her Princess is looking at America with hungry eyes.

She is truly the destined queen of the trolls.